| 3:22 a.m. whooo. haha.
so I just got back from the beach, and what a breath of fresh air. I know I started other blogs before this one, and never returned to finish them, but let me toss down what's on my mind right now.
On the ride to the beach, with Chrisco driving, and a couple of the guys sitting in the back, I started random conversation like I normally would have. it was a lot of the normal "fuckin' around" and not being serious [Terrible Squad], but it lead to some personal things. One topic as to being my dreams. As close as these guys are to me, I've never spoken of my personal dreams/goals to anyone other than one person. Being the person I am, I tossed out what was on my mind. 'What was I fighting for? With life messing with me... what am I striving for through it all? Is what I'm fighting for, offering me something back, and worth the struggle?' Firefighting has become a passion. A goal I know that will demand some work, but in the end, offers soo much. A supported lifestyle, stability, and strength. I'm handling Firefighting Physical Training 902 more than I honestly expected. Rode up to become a leader and role model, it's competitive, and champions are made on the way up. To be a firefighter and live in Hawaii? lol. It's possible...do I really want it? Maybe. But I know if I put in the work, I could make it happen.
But then as I continued thinking about it...'What about dancing?' My hobby. Something I used to cherish so much. Being up there with the big names, having projects of my own, teaching classes, inspiring others to dance if they really want to. So I thought about it...I've decided. My most happy and enjoyable days, were the days I could contribute some time to each and every little thing that made ME happy. Being with friends, ones I Loved, doing something to progress to firefighting, keeping up with the current events in dancing, and dancing itself. In the future, I want to invest in a dance studio. Better yet, a Youth Center, and expand it [almost like boogiezone and other affiliates] With firefighting, I could pay my living, and why not contribute some of that extra bit of money towards building something of the thought. A place, where people could come and learn, a place for kids to come after school, do homework, and socialize with others with the same passion of dancing they hold, and only to inspire them to keep their passion. Keep the hoodlums off the street! lol. Somewhere within the I.E. I grew up here, and I know the scene of dancing is not as big in this area, so why not put it out there. I know it's a big dream, but like I said, if I put in the work, I could make it happen. I would like to deem it possible.
I know I set myself back recently, and it's not that I choose to blame life for my decisions and mishaps. It just is. Right? My mind is still boggled, but why let that delay me? I know what I want, but I've learned from past times. Maybe I should put that to work. Lately, I have felt lonely, no matter who or what is around me, that was the dominant thought in my head. Hopeless Romantic idiot.lol. I like laughing through my troubles. That's another thing about me. Optimism was a characteristic that I knew I could never complain about.
My room, I usually take a lot of pride in. Because it was my zone, I always had it clean and organized. Lately, I just been so busy, or is it that I really don't give a crap for now? yeaaaaa, that's it.haha. Work, I can't really complain about that either. My co-workers are nice ass people, its helped me up my confidence with people, and I make comission AND base, so I'm more than surviving, and I pay my bills. Yeaaaa that's right. I handle my bills thank you. DO WORK! ughhhh. haha. School, English, I would like to say I'm handling myself in there, and it's even struck an old interest of mine. Oh, and I fell asleep in there today.lol Physical Training, I don't run like a deer, but shit... I could handle my squad. Making more progress as time goes on. As for EMT, that was delayed. I've talked to the professor, and he understood where I was coming from, atleast he had words to keep my spirits up, as opposed to put me down for dropping it. I appreciate that more than he probably knows. Church, I've made my appearances lately, with the past sundays off. It's helped in more ways than one. Lately, I wish I could honestly either sit on a beach a couple of hours before sunset, and sit there...or completely do nothing. Sit in my room, with something entertaining to watch on my laptop, and some food...with one really special person at my side. I miss a lot of things and a few people. My heart and mind honestly, feels as though it's at a pause, but letting life take things as they come. I just want to be understood, hopefully someday I will be. There's a lot more deeper things, I wish I could touch up on, but I guess I'll have to save that for another time.
"pray hard and stay strong."
the only advice that still echoes through my head.
I wonder where life is going to take me, hopefully it'll stop playing with me.
No FML (carmi), ahah. I appreciate life. I'll do my best to keep a positive outlook on it.
I'll end it here.
I miss you.
I nuv you.
So much.
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